Dear Sir or Madam,
A few months ago at work someone called me “unflappable.” I tend to think that’s true as far as work matters go. I don’t usually get stressed about deadlines; I have a lot of experience with procrastinating and no disasters have ever come of it, so now that I’m more of a planner I feel downright invincible. Also, thanks to some perspective from living with a resident, I can clearly see the bigger picture that an “emergency” in my office is never truly an emergency.
Apparently, this colleague of mine used the word “unflappable” to describe me to a few people. I was starting to be slightly proud of this reputation until a few days later when a bird smacked into my office window. He fell to the ledge and sat there, motionless, unable to fly.
HE WAS LITERALLY UNFLAPPABLE.
And I lost it.
I started sobbing. I don’t DO hurt animals, I managed to tell my friend/co-worker that happened to walk in at that moment. I was convinced I was going to have to watch the bird die on my window ledge.
You’re probably wondering, sir or madam, what this has to do with you. Honestly, I just threw the thing about the bird in there for your first lesson on irony. The real lesson here is that at one point, your mother seemingly had it all together. People complimented her on it.
I fear that might not last long.
Other than animals getting hurt, the thing that sends me into hysterics is, well, silly, but it’s something I’m truly worried about. I get flustered, anxious, angry, and sometimes even frustrated to the point of tears when… wait for the dramatic reveal… I have a lot to carry.
Stupid, right? But if I have more than a few things in my hand while I’m, say, checking out in a store, I get flustered and start to sweat. I pay, and then put my credit card somewhere completely random with no recollection, and then panic later when I can’t find it. Having a certain place for anything doesn’t help… I temporarily lose my mind when I have a lot of stuff.
From what I understand, babies require JUST A FEW additional accessories and do things in public that may or may not make me flustered and on top of all that I hear I won’t be getting a lot of sleep. And while pregnancy and giving birth comes with SO MANY FUN PERKS, I am here to tell you that no extra hands are grown during the process of gestation.
I’ve been carrying things around for close to 30 years and still haven’t figured out how to leave my house with a purse, gym bag, and lunch without forgetting something, dropping something, sweating, and/or crying. I imagine I will be a flustered mess for your entire childhood what with all of the crap your existence is going to require. When it embarrasses you and you wonder why you couldn’t have a more composed mother, I just want you to know IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.
Mama loves you (almost as much as she loves injured birds),
P.S. We named the bird Elmer and he slowly but surely got his groove back and flew away. I think he had a better day than I did.